No One There as a Child Makes You Scared of Love

You can’t feel safe loving someone if there’s no one there as a child—no one who makes you know you have a secure home in their heart. Losing a mom or a dad when you’re little makes you run from love. Live in despair. Walled off. Scared to death that loss is all you’ll find. If you have no one to hold onto, no one there to tell your feelings to, you expect the same. And, you can’t open up.

Sudden loss. Abandonment. Love disappearing. Leaves you wondering ...are you unlovable? You feel shame for needing anything. All of this makes you run. Go numb. Reject before you’re rejected. Panic if your feelings open up. “Run. Run,” you tell yourself. “Never let love get too close. Only long for someone at a distance. Keep your angry walls up. Be in control. Never be left again.”

 Children too often feel it’s their fault if they’re abandoned. Believing they aren’t enough. That love leaves just when you need it. Love isn’t safe.  You’ll do ANYTHING to stop needing it.

Yes, if there’s no one there, love isn’t safe. If there’s no one there, you don’t have a home for your feelings, you can’t be in your own skin. You could jump out of it unless you do things to stay numb. Far away from the longing for love. When you’ve learned love can leave you, you don’t believe in it. You can’t let anyone in. It’s easier to say ‘we’re done’ than have someone say it to you.

But maybe there was someone there? Or maybe someone wants to be now? Maybe that someone is close by. Or standing in front of you. Can you open your heart? Not everyone will leave you. When you learn it’s safe to let someone in ...that’s how you heal a broken heart.

Want to read more? Click here for my post on Joachim Trier’s film, Sentimental Value.