Looking Over Your Shoulder (Catastrophic Fears of Loss)

Do you often worry about something bad happening? So terrified of loss that you’re constantly looking over your shoulder, thinking that at any minute you’ll lose someone you love or need? That’s called catastrophic thinking. You wait for a disaster. Or for the other shoe to drop. Or you might be terrified of the repercussions of the anger you feel, even if you never express it at all.

You never feel safe anywhere. Especially if you’ve already suffered a serious loss. That loss could be the actual death of someone. Abandonment. Childhood abuse. Or neglect. Of course, you’re scared, hypervigilant, worried, and waiting. And, you’re angry from feeling betrayed and helpless. When you lose everything as a child, or when you have so little to count on to begin with, you know horrible things can happen. So, you’re always looking over your shoulder, expecting the next catastrophe, expecting any good thing you might gain to be taken away from you.  You might even live in quiet despair that wraps around you, not letting you want or hope for anything.

Hope feels dangerous. Because you’re sure you’ll lose what you want if you get it. Especially when it comes to love. And, what if you’re lucky enough to find love that you never expected? Someone who says your name in the most special of ways, always happy to see you. Someone who stays by you and doesn’t leave. Well, that’s terrifying. Because your early losses live inside you, and fear follows you around like a ghost. You think you’ll do something to jinx it.

Traumatized children always believe they must have done something to make the worst happen, that it must have been their fault. And, now, every time you experience any separation from your special person(s), any time apart, you are certain that your loved one(s) will die. Or leave you. You try to ignore your fears. You try to talk yourself out of them. But you can’t stop your anxiety. You can’t stop thinking that what you have is too good to be true and that you’ll lose it. And, no matter how often or how much you try to reason with yourself, to tell yourself it’s unlikely that the plane will crash. Or that your loved one will be safe going away from you, you aren’t convinced. Even though you know that you were reunited last time, this time could be the time.

You can’t get these thoughts out of your mind. They torment you. The worst is: you believe them.  If you live with this kind of fear. If you’ve had a devastating loss as a child or in your life. If you can’t believe it won’t happen again to the precious people in your life. It’s time to get help. You don’t have to live tormented every time there’s a separation. You don’t have to go it alone. 

To read more on catastrophic fears and healing from loss, click here for my piece on Train Dreams.