Rage Happens When You Can’t Bear Emotional Pain ...

Rage often starts with an early loss. A loss so deep it rips you apart. Hurt. Abuse. Betrayal. Maybe the death of a parent that you couldn’t control. When you have no help for your feelings or grief, you can’t learn to bear emotional pain. Pain turns to blame. Rage. Even fantasies of revenge.

You bury your more sensitive feelings so far down that it seems you don’t have any. You must be untouchable. Tough. Frozen in fear. You put your walls up. So hard. That no one can get through. And … you live divided. Split into two selves. Different. But coexisting. One vulnerable. One raging.

Trauma is the place where a split self begins. Abuse. Misunderstanding. Neglect. Criticism. Humiliation. Receiving no empathy. These create an intolerance of emotional pain. A rejection of sadness and guilt. A hatred of vulnerability, so strong, because it seems like a terrible weakness.

How can you be vulnerable if no one was sensitive and there for you in your childhood? If you were shamed, made to feel small and inconsequential, you toughen up. You have to. You reject your softness. Forge on. Determined to be “strong.” Refusing to be scared. Then. Rage wraps around you like a fortress. Forms a second skin, an armor around you, when you’re easily bruised.

You try not to let your armor crack. That’s too scary. Being vulnerable seems like a terrible fate. So, you project blame. Others can be scared or hurt. Not you. But then you’re lost and lonely. Somewhere deep inside. Even if you try not to feel it or admit it. You keep your feelings “dead.”

The truth is: Dead feelings can be resurrected; saved from their banishments. Wounds can heal. Healing means: seeing what you had to do to survive, and knowing it doesn’t really keep you safe.

Healing isn’t about blaming others. When your rage is understood and heard, your wound can be connected to the early loss that tore you apart, made you bury your sadness and grief, and created rage. Then. You can see that “beast of rage” in you for what it is. And you can tame it.

If you’d like to read more, click here for my post on The Beast in Me on Characters on the Couch.