A Problem of Loss: “I Don’t Know How to be Here Without You”

Loss is hard for everyone. It’s like a piece of you has been ripped away, and you don’t know how to go on. You live in the sudden emptiness of loss; the hole where someone used to be. It’s as if you’re moving in slow motion through a nightmare, waiting to wake up. But you don’t. 

Maybe you feel lost. More lost than ever. You don’t know how to be here without that person you loved. That’s a part of grief. Yet, if you feel stuck in it for a long time, or you don’t have any idea how to live your own life, that’s something more than mourning. You likely had trauma in your childhood, so being alone has always felt unbearable. And, now, you’ve never felt so alone, alone in a way you can’t wrap your mind around. You don’t have any idea how to go on.

That can be tormenting. Especially if you’re “on the outside,” watching twosomes together like you used to be. You feel excluded from a special part of life. You want someone to “twin up” with, and be with all the time. Sometimes that’s called “co-dependency,” but it’s not as simple as a label. There are good reasons for not wanting to be alone. Especially if your traumatic past still lives inside you. A childhood where you felt unwanted and never like anyone’s favorite.

The problem is: If your childhood left you feeling “not enough” or even hating yourself, you believe someone else (right now, the person you lost) has (or is) everything. And, you imagine that you’re nothing without them. That makes it hard to be alone with yourself and to value your own company (at least sometimes, to get through your grief). And that makes loss even harder.

If you’re struggling, it’s important to reach out for help. You don’t have to be alone with your pain.

Would you like to read more? Click on the link to my piece on the 2025 film, Twinless.