Fear of Being Abandoned: “It’s Gotta Last Forever”

You’re hungry for love. You fall for someone. Then the anxiety hits. Big time. What if you get left? What if it doesn’t last? No. You cannot be abandoned. You just can’t. It cannot happen. Not again.

I say, “not again,” because if you’re that anxious, it’s very likely that you had trauma in your childhood. That you felt rejected and unwanted. Or maybe you were abandoned. That makes falling in love a scary proposition. Especially if you try to live life as if you don’t really have needs.

But you do. Of course, you do. Everyone does. And now the hunger is all stirred up. It’s driving you crazy. You watch for texts. You track when they come. Or when they don’t. You go into a panic when it takes “too long.” Thinking, “This is it. It’s over, that last text was the last one I’ll ever get.”

Is there a voice inside you telling you all the things wrong with you? That’s the nature of trauma, especially if you believe it. It’s not too much to ask to have love. But there are forces inside you that get in the way, tell you that you'd better not reach for what you want. And, then, when you get it, make you certain that you’re being rejected. Should you just play it safe and want nothing?

That’s a problem, though. Because then you’re left hungry. With too much longing. You feel lost, desperate, and lonely. Terrified of rejection. Fearful of loss. Thinking the only solution is never to be apart. To be together forever, with no separation. And, sometimes this idea seems more like “real love” than reality itself. Nothing can tear you apart. And that can seem like the only way out of despair. Together. Forever. No hunger anymore. This kind of “permanence” seems the only way.

The only way out of your anxiety, that is. But “no separation” isn’t reality.  All relationships have separateness. You are two different people. But if you’re anxious that you’re being rejected if there’s any time apart, that can make you desperate for reassurance. You lose sight of yourself. Being with the one you love, always together, seems like the only thing that makes you ok.

If you’re struggling, it is possible to heal from the trauma of neglect, deprivation, and constant desperation when you love someone. If you’re consumed with self-doubt, anxiety, and a voice inside that makes you think you’re “all wrong,” it’s time to see a specialist in childhood trauma. Finding a therapist who can help you work out your self-hate is the real solution to your fears.

Would you like to read more? Click here for my post about Sinners, on Characters on the Couch.